


Heaven is a Place on Earth with You

by parttimehuman



Series: Rarepair Galore [11]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, Second Chances, Theo is a poor bean, Theo is a pure bean, deep conversations about life and afterlife, remorse and redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 21:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16818889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parttimehuman/pseuds/parttimehuman
Summary: Nolan works at the gates of heaven. It's his job to assess the new arrivals and send them either to heaven, to hell, or back to life. Things get complicated when Theo appears in front of him with a gaping hole in his chest and a tragic story that makes Nolan question whether he really wants to send him back to that life. But can he bring himself to letting Theo die for good?





	Heaven is a Place on Earth with You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [osirismind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/osirismind/gifts).



> For Francis, because you are the closest to an angel in my life, and this prompt screamed your name at me.  
> I love you, and I wish you the best of things and the most wonderful life to be awaiting you. Happy birthday! ❤

"Next, please," Nolan announces over the loudspeaker, stapling a few pages of paper together before adding them to the pile of closed cases for the day.

Although he isn't exceptionally busy on this Sunday, the waiting area outside of his office is still crowded, as always. In spite of that, nothing happens for a few minutes, but that is perfectly normal too. Most of his clients are old, very old. Some of them don't hear it when he calls them inside, and some of them fall asleep in their chair. It happens all the time. Nolan leans back and waits, relaxed, with just a tiny little feeling of restlessness inside him.

Nolan works at the gates of heaven. It's his job to assess the new arrivals, to ask them questions and decide whether to send them to heaven, to hell, or back to life.

So far, this shift has mostly consisted of tired little white-haired grandpas and grandmas he's just waved right through after ticking a couple of boxes. He likes this sort of clients, really. The ones who come in absolute peace and unafraid, who greet him with a smile and thank him politely when they leave his office again a short while later. Some of them even bring cookies. He sends almost all of them to heaven.

A truth that's been proving itself over and over again during the years that Nolan has been working in this job, is that a calm day, or a calm week, for that matter, never stays calm. He can sense that something is coming, or rather someone. A more complicated case, a person who will fight him, someone bringing tragedy and a good measured amount of yelling into his office. It's like the universe knows, like it's keeping capacities free for when the next catastrophe happens.

And granted, it does happen.

The little red lamp on Nolan's desk starts blinking all of a sudden, ending his train of thought immediately. Red means there is an emergency. In about two minutes, someone is going to come barging into his office who can't wait in line with the others outside. Someone who is still stuck in the limbo between life and death. The emergency cases are often victims of car accidents, or failed suicide attempts. Sometimes they're deadly sick, but Nolan hopes it's not that, because he hates it. He doesn't want to decide the fate of another cancer patient.

"Attention, please," Nolan says into the speaker on his desk, silently thanking for whoever was going to be next not having made it into the chair across from him before this interruption. "The office will have to close for today due to an urgent emergency. We'll be open for you on Monday again. However, you can find another assessment center that is open throughout the night down the hallway. I'll repeat once more; this office now closes until tomorrow morning due to an emergency. Thank you kindly for your understanding."

Nolan leans back in his chair and turns towards the door across from him, waiting patiently, and a little anxiously. There's no way of knowing what to expect from the emergency cases. Confusion, definitely. He'll have to explain so many things.  _ Where am I? How did I get here? What is happening to me? How do I get back? _

The answer is always the same. Through Nolan.

Everything goes through him. He has to approve of anyone who gets into heaven, and even more importantly, he has to make sure everyone who gets another shot at life deserves it.

It's definitely been more than two minutes when finally, Nolan can see the door handle being pressed down from outside. The door opens slowly, incredibly slowly. Nolan holds his breath as inch by inch, the figure of a young man comes into sight.

The first thought Nolan has is the same he always has with someone who looks as young as the guy in front of him does. He can barely be any older than Nolan himself, and so he silently prays for him to show the potential to get back to life. Nolan is well willing to make it possible if he proves himself worthy.

Someone must have killed the guy because he broke their heart, is Nolan's second thought, because it's the only explanation.

He looks like nothing Nolan has ever seen before. The sight in front of him is both scary and awe-inspiring, something about it getting under his skin right from the very first second. Nolan has seen the strangest of things and people, has witnessed the most extreme of reactions, but the young man standing in his door frame makes his skin crawl by how little sense he makes to Nolan's eyes.

He's not exceptionally tall, definitely shorter than Nolan, but the broad shoulders and huge arms make Nolan feel small. Still, threat isn't the only vibe the guy is sending towards him. His light brown hair is messy, his green eyes glassy, and his face reddened, marked by the traces of tears streaming down his cheeks. Blood has soaked the white pair of converse on his feet, and then of course, there's the gaping hole in his chest, where normally, a heart is supposed to be.

Although Nolan can smell the salt of his tears, the guy isn't actually crying. He's so silent that it seems completely wrong, and frankly, highly disturbing, considering that he just physically died and is now standing in front of the person responsible for determining his further future. There is pain written in the graceful features of his face, but not the kind that says  _ someone cracked my ribcage open to steal my heart. _ He looks at peace with the situation, and distressed at the same time, his entire appearance being one beautiful paradox that's making Nolan's heart beat faster in his chest.

"Please, come inside," Nolan invites the stranger.

"I don't... I don't understand," the guy croaks out. His voice is hoarse, yet low and gravelly. It sounds like magic. "What do you want from me?"

Nolan hates it when they make him feel like a creep. It's a job he's doing, nothing more, nothing less. Or at least it never has been more before, but Nolan can't help but realize that blood suddenly has a redder color where it leaves stains on his floor, and that his body somehow doesn't care about the professional distance it's supposed to keep.

"I'll ask you a few questions," he answers, trying to sound calm and collected. "Nothing dramatic. We just have to figure out what to do from here." Meanwhile, he is very well aware that it might indeed get very dramatic soon.

"From here? What's happening? I thought I was dead!"

The statement stings a bit in Nolan's chest. It's a relief that this one knows he's dead. That's at least something he won't have to break to him. It's just that it sounded wrong the way the guy just said it, almost as if he was disappointed about still having to walk around in a conscious state and have Nolan keep him from being dead in peace.

"Don't worry, I'll explain everything," Nolan tells him, because that's what he usually says, even if it has never stopped people from worrying. "Why don't you come inside and have a seat?"

The young man looks at Nolan through teary eyes, swallowing, hesitating. Again, he seems reluctant, but not necessarily afraid of him.

"You know, I'm actually here to help you," Nolan sighs. He doesn't usually care if his clients curse him or wish all seven hells upon him, but for some reason, this one needs to trust him, or he'll never be happy again.

"Help me with what?"

Nolan considers it for a moment, then decides to go with the truth. "Find out where you should go now. To heaven, to hell, or back to life."

Nolan doesn't understand what's happening when the guy suddenly bursts out in uncontrollable laughter. He's used to all sorts of different reactions, but in that moment, he isn't sure whether he's being taken seriously, and that irks him a bit. It has happened before that people have laughed at him, thinking they were hallucinating or something, but until ten seconds ago, this guy in front of him seemed so serious and open and vulnerable that he can't process it. Nolan wonders how he's supposed to figure him out. It looks like they have a long talk ahead of them.

"Excuse me? Do you find this funny? Because it's  _ your _ future we're discussing here."

"It has a certain irony to it, yeah," the guy responds, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye, not caring about the wet traces down his cheeks. "If you knew my life, you'd understand."

Nolan purses his lips and gives the guy a stern look. Knowing his life in order to understand is exactly what he's trying to do, and it would be very helpful if the guy actually sat down and answered his questions, thank you very much.

" _ My future _ ," the stranger repeats, letting out a bitter laugh. Finally, he takes a step into Nolan's office, the door falling shut behind him. Instead of sitting down though, he walks around, leaving a bloody trail behind on the light grey floor. "How funny. There I was, going on about life for all those years without a future, and now that I've finally managed to die, I suddenly have one? I mean, come on, that's kind of hilarious."

"I don't think I'm following you," Nolan says, "but I intend to. I have some questions prepared. It's standard procedure." Nolan raises a blank form from his desk and waves it through the air to show him. "Let's start with your name."

It's silent for a moment, and Nolan almost believes he'll have to just give up on that guy.

"Theo," the stranger suddenly responds, "my name is Theo Raeken."

"Great, welcome Theo." The name tastes strange on his lips, leaving tinglies there as is flies through the air around him. Nolan doesn't know what's happening, so he gives his standard lines to begin. "I'm Nolan, and I have nothing but good intentions for you and the world I'll send you to, alright? Now, if you don't mind, would you have a seat?"

"Sure," Theo shrugs casually, as if he hasn't been refusing the exact same thing until just now, stepping close, bringing warmth and a spicy scent with him to Nolan's vicinity.

It never ceases to creep Nolan out how the people who come to him are momentarily freed from their physical pain, but not from the wounds they've suffered, resulting in an office that is nice and clean like Nolan likes it, but with splatters of red everywhere, brutally bright and out of place just like the guy in the chair at the other side of Nolan's desk, looking a little bit like a kid in the principal's office.

Theo is clearly unsure of what awaits him, but Nolan doesn't miss the hint of rebellion lingering in his features. This might just be the most exciting case he's ever worked on.

"Sorry for the mess," Theo says, gesturing at where his blood is drying on the floor. "I didn't expect to bleed so much after I kind of am dead already. I am dead, right?"

"Yes and no," Nolan answers. "Right now, your body doesn't show a lot of signs of life. I don't know where it is, physically, or who's taking care of it. But the fact that you're bleeding so much means the connection is still strong. Theoretically, you could go back. Your eyes could snatch open and you'd be back in life only minutes after whatever happened to you."

Theo looks down at himself, his lips pressed into a thin line. He doesn't look so hyped about the possibility, which worries Nolan a lot. For a split second, he imagines putting his hand to Theo's cheek, but then sanity finds its way back to him.

"I feel like I'm missing a crucial part, though," Theo replies quietly. "Don't I need a heart to live?"

Well, now that's where it gets interesting. Nolan was definitely going to ask about that thing with the missing heart. Truth be told, he's never had someone without a heart in his office.

"You'll have one," Nolan tells Theo, although he knows he shouldn't make any promises at this point. "If I decide you're worthy."

Theo looks down at his hands. They look cleaner than they probably should, not at all like he's been fighting the thief of his heart. Nolan catches himself thinking how soft his palms must feel, but he's being inappropriate, so he bans the thoughts from his mind.

"What if I'm not worthy?" Theo asks. It's a genuine question, Nolan realizes. And it sounds different from when other people pose it.

"Hell," he answers.

"Hell?" Theo gives a sarcastic laugh that sounds brutally loud in the silence around them. "Been there, done that."

Nolan can't say he hasn't heard this before, and it explains so much about how collected Theo seems. A lot of people with traumatic experiences during their life tend to be very unafraid of hell, thinking that it can hardly be worse than what they already know, but Nolan knows they're wrong about that.

"I can guarantee you, whatever bad things you might have experienced in your life, hell is worse. A million times worse. I wouldn't joke about it if I were you."

Theo chuckles and looks him straight in the eyes. "Oh, I'm not joking." His voice is low and dangerous as he speaks. "I actually took a little trip to hell for a while when I was seventeen. Now, I'm not going to say I didn't deserve it, but I reckon you don't know half as much about it as I do. Look at you. No offense, but-"

"You are offending me, so shut it," Nolan snaps. "I'm the one asking the questions here." He doesn't know what it is about Theo that just doesn't sit quite right with him, testing his patience although they've barely begun the serious business. "Tell me how you died."

"Hunters," Theo responds simply, as if that's a normal thing to say.

"I think you're going to have to give me a little more than that, Theo," Nolan says, waiting for an explanation, because in his world, "hunters" certainly isn't one.

"There's a group of hunters out there," Theo continues explaining calmly, "they've been around for years now, always breathing down the necks of every single supernatural creature in existence. They're trying to eliminate us."

"Supernatural creatures?" Nolan asks. He's come across one or two of them before, but the questions he had to ask were never about that, and he has never given in to the temptation of asking beyond what's professionally required.

"Werewolves, mostly," Theo shrugs.

Excitement rushes through the blood in Nolan's veins. "So, Theo, you're a werewolf." It feels like he was looking for one puzzle piece and found another by complete accident, one that he wasn't expecting at all.

"Not really. I'm half werewolf, half werecoyote. A chimera. A scientific experiment, if you want."

He says it like other people say they're a gemini, or a vegan. Still, for some reason, Nolan is a thousand times more intrigued by everything Theo is telling him, and especially by everything he isn't.

"How did you become that?" Nolan wants to know. He scribbles a few single words onto the paper sheet beneath his nose, but they're not the notes he actually needs. He still doesn't have a clear picture of what was the cause of Theo's death.

"By being young and easy to manipulate. And in the wrong place at the wrong time. By falling into the hands of the Dread Doctors. And not standing a chance against their mind games."

"What did they do to you?"

"Promises," Theo replies shortly. "I was only a kid, and a weak one. My heart was failing me, and I was scared. I was a freak, you know. I wasn't allowed to join any sports, or to participate in any school events. I was sick and every one of my parents' measures to keep my fragile body guarded only made me an outsider. But they offered me a solution. A heart that was going to be strong enough to do whatever I'd want to. And it didn't stop there. They promised me power. Invincibility. They promised me a whole new species of unique supernaturals for myself. They were going to make me their leader. Nobody was going to laugh at me anymore. Nobody was going to dare underestimate Theo Raeken. They were going to fear me."

"How old were you?" Nolan asks.

"Nine."

"And you believed them." It's not a question. Nolan can see the truth in Theo's glassy green eyes. It's not technically possible to lie while sitting in the chair in front of him. There's something in the air that makes every person tell the truth when Nolan asks them questions, but he can tell when they're trying to fight it. Theo isn't fighting it one bit. Sometimes he stops in the middle of a sentence, but it seems more like he's searching for the right words to continue than to come up with a lie.

"I think it was the first time I had something to believe in that felt like it could be worth it. I hadn't yet learned what it meant to question things. I was nine. For all my life, I'd been taught to obey. Parents, teachers, all of the grown-ups around me. How was I supposed to know the Dread Doctors were the exception? They were the only ones who wanted to make my life into something. Wanted to make _ me _ into something. And they did."

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure. My sister died. I watched her disappear below the surface of the river." Theo looks straight ahead with an empty stare, fixating a spot behind Nolan's shoulder.

"Did you kill her?" Nolan wants to know, because he has to fill out the form with all of the crimes Theo has committed throughout his life. Normally, he'd start a little more subtle, maybe not asking about murder right away, they're already there, aren't they?

"It wasn't real to me," Theo answers. It's not a yes and it's not a no. Nolan can tell that he's struggling with something. Something that wants out of him and something that wants to stay inside. There's an incredibly pained expression on Theo's face, and Nolan knows this one, because it's actually a quite crucial part to his observations. He flips the page and looks down at the section that is titled 'Remorse'. Guilt. Theo definitely carries a lot of guilt around with him.

"What do you mean, it wasn't real? She did die, didn't she?"

"Yes, but I didn't realize that. I was standing there on the bridge, and all I remember seeing is bubbles on the water surface until they were gone. It was so calm. It wasn't what I imagined death to be like. It wasn't bloody or messy or painful or loud. She just slipped away, and then she was gone, and the concept of her not existing anymore wasn't something I could grasp."

"Did you kill her, Theo?"

"The water killed her," Theo says hoarsely, shaking his head, a fresh wave of tears escaping his eyes. "The lack of air in her lungs killed her."

"You were there, though. Couldn't you have saved her? Did you want her to die?"

Theo's lips part, but all that escapes them is a puffy breath. "I don't know how to answer that question," he finally presses out, sniffling. "I wanted her heart. They were going to give it to me. It was the key to everything. I didn't want the price for that to be her life. I didn't want to never see her again. I didn't want to lose her."

Nolan nods understandingly. He's not going to count that as murder. Theo was way too young for that at the time. It sounds like he didn't even understand what was happening. "The water killed her," he repeats Theo's own words. "So your sister was gone, and what happened to you after you got her heart?"

"I became the first chimera," Theo says dryly. "The Dread Doctors took me with them for good, making me their little pet, training me. I was their proudest creation. They kept reminding me that I wasn't perfect, that I was never evil enough to live up to their expectations, but I wasn't a failure like everything else they created, or at least that's what they had me believe. They taught me all about deceit and manipulation. They made me strong, prepared me. I was punished for caring for people, and rewarded for every life I ended. I knew I was getting closer to what they'd wanted from me all along, and I couldn't wait to prove my worth to them."

With the drying tears on his face, Theo shakes his head and laughs a sarcastic and bitter laugh. He looks extraordinarily beautiful, even when shame and sadness are pulling at his tired shoulders. Nolan feels bad for thinking it, but he can't stop the thoughts from running wild in his mind. He's always stuck to words to comfort his clients if needed, but looking at Theo, he doesn't know what to say. He feels bad already for all the questions that are left to ask. He wants to throw the stupid papers out of the window instead and take Theo's hand in his own to bring the boy home.

"Where do the hunters come into your story?" Nolan proceeds, shaking the misplaced ideas out of his head, or at least attempting to.

"In Beacon Hills," Theo answers, "where everything started and everything ended. It's where I was born, and where I grew up. It's where I returned to when I was seventeen and ready. Where I was supposed to find my pack that would help me strive for power and greatness. There were quite some powerful guys living there, I'm telling you. A true alpha. Scott McCall. My friend in fourth grade, a skinny, dorky, asthmatic kid, but he'd acquired his alpha status not by killing another alpha and taking their powers, he'd truly earned it. He'd proven himself. He was one of the most wanted supernaturals in all of California. Another former friend, Stiles Stilinski was said to be possessed by a Nogitsune, a thousand years old creature running on chaos and fear. Then there was Lydia Martin, a banshee, a wife of death, as the Doctors called her. Liam Dunbar, a young and uncontrollable beta wolf with anger issues. I could continue, but you get the idea, right? It was like they were made to join my army. I wanted them. I returned home to Beacon Hills, ready to conquer the town and make it mine. I'd waited long enough. It was time for me to get what I'd been promised."

"I'm guessing not everything went to plan?" Nolan throws in. He'd rather just lean back and let Theo talk, almost forgetting what the actual purpose of his questioning is.

Theo shakes his head. "Nothing. Nothing went to plan. What I found wasn't what I'd expected. Mainly, Scott wasn't what I'd expected. I tried to turn the members of his pack against him, but it didn't work. Then I tried to kill him myself, but he wouldn't stay dead. And as you can imagine, his pack wasn't exactly happy with me after all of that went down."

"What happened to you?"

"Hell," Theo almost spits out. "A Kitsune was actually powerful enough to summon my dead sister. The ground cracked open and I got dragged down, and then the worst few months of my life began, except they didn't feel like months at all. It was an eternity, Nolan. She ripped my - her - heart out of my chest over and over again. She never left me in peace. I wanted to die so bad. I wanted nothing but for that to be over."

Theo's voice changes. It changes when he starts talking about hell and it changes again with the last sentence. It sends a shiver down Nolan's spine. It feels like he's being told a horror story. The pen and papers are useless in his hand. He's forgotten what they're for.

"You got back from there, though," Nolan points out as soon as he's found his words again. Theo makes him speechless, in a weird way. By the way he looks as he's speaking and the sound of his story. By the raw sincerity. Or maybe it's not so much that Theo is special, maybe it's really more about Nolan slowly but surely losing all of his composure as he's listening.

"They brought me back because they needed me," Theo corrects him. "Don't make the mistake to believe I actually earned my second chance or anything. The only reason why they didn't literally let me rot in hell was that I could be of use to them."

"And did you?" Nolan wants to know. "Did you help them?"

Theo looks a little surprised by the question, his eyes flying open and landing on Nolan's face, searching it. "I guess so," he says. "I mean, we defeated a whole lot of bad guys together. I think I was starting to see myself as an ally to them. But there are still the hunters."

"The hunters that killed you?"

"I walked right into their trap," Theo sighs. "I should have known better. It was bound to happen with how careless I've been."

"Careless how?"

"Being a lone wolf. Staying on my own, unprotected. Sleeping in my truck in the streets at night. Not getting enough to eat. Having no safe place to seek shelter. Having no pack to seek out for help. It's hardly surprising that I was the one they chased down to get to the others. I might still not be part of the pack, but nonetheless, I'm the weakest link of the chain that holds the supernaturals in Beacon Hills together."

Nolan hates the sound of it. He hates the way Theo is talking about himself, hates the resignation in his voice and his face, the slumped posture of his shoulders and the smell of tears. Most of all, he hates that he cares at all, because that's the golden rule of his job, to not let clients get under his skin, and while he can feel himself utterly failing at that for the first time in his career, he doesn't have it in him to regret what's happening.

"I thought it was just another cop asking me to move my truck," Theo continues. He sounds far away, kind of. Hollow. Empty. "It's been the same for so many years now, Nolan. Two, three hours. Closing my eyes, falling asleep just to be torn awake again. Moving, all the time. And getting where? Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere at all. Except this time I did. I got to a dungeon, and it was hell all over again. This?" Theo looks up while he points at the crate in his chest, his stare shocking Nolan, leaving him weak and helpless. "This is what happened after three days because she lost her patience with me."

"Theo," Nolan breathes out, "what did they want from you?" He's almost scared of asking the question, and he's definitely scared of the answer, although he shouldn't be. The thing is, ever since the moment Nolan saw how young Theo is, he wanted so badly to be able to send him back to life, but now what? What to do with a guy who lives in his truck and is being hunted?

It's silent for a moment. "Theo?" Nolan asks. He wants to reach out and grab his chin, his hand twitching before he can get it under control.

"To tell them where the others are hiding," Theo whispers, looking down. Nolan feels as if he eyes are a little more glued to the ground the more Nolan needs him to look up. All he wants is to see that... he doesn't even know what he wants to see in Theo's eyes, but there is something, and it's so urgent it feels like his life depends on it.

"You didn't tell them."

Theo shakes his head slowly.

"Although you knew."

Even more slowly, almost as if it hurts, Theo nods.

Nolan looks at him. He looks at the strands of hair that stick to Theo's forehead and the rips in his shirt, at the wet trails on his face and the quivering lower lip, at the tension in the broad shoulders that he can feel just as well, the pale skin where is peeks out between torn fabric and blood, the gaping hole that must have contained the purest heart, if it was originally Theo's or not, at the stained jeans and shoes, the trembling fingers, the empty hands. Bitterness fills Nolan's mouth. He wants to say something, because that's his job - to make a decision. To gather informations and then act on his best instinct. He takes pride in how good he is at that job. Usually.

Nothing about Theo is comparable to the usual.

"What are you gonna do?" Theo asks him, and it sounds like an accusation, because that's what Nolan knows should be behind it, since he's terribly failing at the only thing he was supposed to be good for.

_ Take you in my arms _ , Nolan thinks.

_ Dry your tears. _

_ Tell you that you're safe with me. _

_ Kiss away the pain. _

"I don't know," he whispers instead while the invisible threads between them seem to pull him closer, to reel him in.

"Hell?" Theo suggests. Of course he would.

"No." Nolan shakes his head vehemently. No matter what happens, he won't let Theo go to hell. The fact that that was the first option Theo himself thought of tells him everything he needs to know to rule it out. "You're never going back there."

Theo holds his breath and lifts his head almost in slow-motion. His eyes are wide open, not just physically, but in a way that allows Nolan to look right into his soul, so see the cracks in it, and the ocean of tears that's about to break loose. "Never?" Theo asks, his voice barely audible because of how thin it is. Just a breath.

Nolan shouldn't be promising it, but he has to. He has to see Theo release his breath and the tension in his tired body, has to offer safety or it might ruin him. "Never," he repeats.

"You can't send me to heaven, Nolan," Theo says, almost begs him. The relief that Nolan was hoping for doesn't shine through in Theo's eyes. Instead, there is more pain. "There must be so many people there that I have killed."

"That's not really the point, you know?" Nolan tells him softly. God, how will he ever go on with his life after Theo? "And there is still another option."

"I'm tired, Nolan," he says, and he sounds like he means it. Like the young man sitting in front of Nolan has had more of his fair share of pain and suffering. Like a second chance is something that he's been fighting for for too long already. Like a future isn't what he's out for anymore. Like life has left its marks on him. Like his last wish is salvation, and he hopes for Nolan to fulfill it.

"You know what's the crucial difference between life and the afterlife?" Nolan asks, because Theo doesn't know what he's asking him for, and Nolan isn't ready to let go. He gets it. He doesn't want to send Theo back to a life that is nothing but unfair to him. To restless nights in the backseat of a car and loneliness. That's far from what he wishes for Theo. But can he bring himself to letting Theo go? Letting him die for good?

Theo doesn't reply, only shakes his head.

"Change, Theo. Heaven or hell, it doesn't matter. You'll be stuck there as exactly the person you are now. You will know what you have learned so far, you will be haunted by the demons that visit you in your nightmares now. You will be on the lookout for the same bunch of friends you've made until now. Even in heaven, all won't be good, you know. You won't be yourself anymore, for the sole reason that you'll stay like this forever. You'll be this twenty-something version of you."

"That sounds like the scariest story about heaven I've ever heard."

"It's not scary, it just isn't for you yet. That's what life is for. Living. Changing, growing, learning. For the days you'll have to be fighting, and the ones you'll be winning. For the lessons learned and the mistakes made. For the chance to move on or to stay around a little longer. For you to dare yourself to be brave, and for you to fail. To fall down and get back up again, to try again and get a little closer. For you to make new friends and chase new horizons. I can't promise you you won't be sad forever, or feel guilty. But I can promise you, in life, you won't be this Theo forever. Not even for a minute longer, in fact."

It's in that moment that Theo breaks, that the tears falls from his eyes and then from his chin, that his body starts shaking with sobs. It's also in that moment that Nolan decides to throw the rules he doesn't believe in anymore overboard, that he rounds his desk and kneels down in a pool of blood, taking a pair of cold, big hands in his own, holding them tight, waiting patiently until Theo is ready to let his head fall onto Nolan's shoulder, crying.

"I've never seen someone act so alive in here," Nolan whispers. He doesn't send people where they  _ want _ to go, he sends them where he knows is the right place for them. Life might not be the right place for Theo, but neither is anything else, and at least in life, there's hope for everything to change for the better.

"I can't do it," Theo presses out, speaking into Nolan's sweater. "I've lost them all. Everyone who loved me. Everyone who trusted me. Everyone who cared."

_ You've got me _ , Nolan wants to tell him.  _ Stupid boy, don't cry. I've got you. _

"You're not alone, Theo."

"I am," Theo sobs, falling down to his knees and holding onto Nolan, the weight of his body so real that it shocks him. "Nobody's ever even held me like this."

"I have made my decision," Nolan says.

"Are you sure? Don't you think there's a way I could stay here for a while longer?"

"No," Nolan answers, because the blood is too warm where it covers both of them and the floor. It's time. It's not his job to allow Theo to hide out, and it's not what Theo needs from him. "You need to go. Through the door on the left."

Unlike everyone else, Theo doesn't look up, doesn't find the three doors that only appear visible when Nolan mentions them, doesn't get up, doesn't put up a fight either.

"I've made my decision," Nolan repeats, smiling, because his decision is the biggest he's ever come up with, and it scares him, but at the same time it excites him, and all the pieces are falling into place inside him as he's looking down on Theo, pulling him up by the hand.

"I don't want to leave you," Theo says, sniffling, squeezing Nolan's hand tight.

"Oh, I don't intend to make you," Nolan smiles at him, tugging at his arm.

"What?"

"Life is worth it, Theo," Nolan explains, "but not if you're alone."

He opens the door.

"Are you... allowed to do this?"

Nolan has to laugh. The pain in Theo's face has made way for utter disbelief. Shock, one might call it.

"I sure am not," he shrugs. "Life is worth it, though."

"Just not if you're alone?" Theo asks, standing beside him, their finger intertwined, as much of Theo's blood smeared on Nolan's sweater as on Theo's shirt.

"Just not alone."

And with that they go.

Together.  
  



End file.
